A Dad and a Mom, step-Dad, half sibling, step-siblings, their partners, their kids, their siblings even their parents…an ex-husband, his siblings, our son… Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents..Not to mention all of the extra parents I have been fortunate to have over the years.

In a sense I have a relatively large family and there certainly is no lack of love.  For the most part I feel like just one of the cogs in our family machine.  For more than half my life I have had this wonderful extended family, I trust them with my life, my secrets and even my son.

But, and there is a but, my feeling of belonging and equality sometimes suprisingly feels built on sand, situations arise that shake my faith and make me question my place.  Blindsiding me completely!

I promised myself that if I ever had children I would never get divorced, I would make sure that my children had the stable life that I never had… famous last words.

I wonder how this wierd and wonderful family effects my son, how does he navigate through this world of loose yet close connections.  Does he feel like part of the family?  An equal to the other children? Or does he, like sometimes I feel that he is on the periphery of the family, belonging  – but not quite.

He, like me is alone with his parents, I share my father with a half brother, but am alone with my mother, I am all she has to take care of her when she gets old and cantankerous.  I have no siblings to lean on or to commiserate with.  And my son too will share this experience, odds are I will have no more children and though he will most likely have step-siblings, he may not have anyone to share the joys and burdens of his mother (I plan on being a particularly obnoxious old lady, pretending to be deaf and hitting all and sundry with my cane as well as telling long and pointless stories).

When it comes down to it maybe true family is the collection of people we surround ourselves with that will be there for us regardless of blood/marriage for me that includes those few people on the planet who can make me laugh til I hiccup in, snort, cry and burp out (yes, a sight to behold, and only about 4 people on the planet who can make that happen), those who would drop everything to help in a crisis, those who love us, just for us.

So I guess I will continue to extend my family, for there is always enough love and my son will need some serious help caring for his Mom.