I always envisioned speeding along in a Ferrari with a hot young Adonis looking adoringly at me, my hair blowing perfectly away from my face framing it perfectly, I appear taller, slimmer .. more supermodelish less chubby Mediterranean housewife.  The scene is reminicent of Daphne du Maurier’s Rebecca, she is driving her convertible on the winding roads of Monaco at mindboggling speed laughing loudly, wildly, challenging the world all beauty and fire.

Here I am in full-blown midlife crisis, and my Adonis is no where to be seen not to mention the Ferrari – and yes I am indeed still (all that hard work at the gym and diet aside) more chubby Mediterranean housewife than supermodel.

And yet – I feel better about myself at nearly 40 than I have ever felt.  I feel beautiful, powerful and intelligent and truth be told I do look better now than ever before – chubbiness and all!  And the best part is I am enjoying being me – ok, at least some of the time.  But what I am completely enjoying is taking on new challenges and risks doing things I never in a gazillion years thought I would do.

I am glad that to be on the Cougar path, not necessarily the ambition to sleep with younger men (although, I will have to think about that one) but the investing time, energy and love in myself, working hard to match the outside to the inside. I am learning how to take care of myself and set a better example for my son.

So while this crisis may not be as expected it is kind of good too.  I welcome it.

As said so many times before – come on life – BRING IT ON!

While I truly believe that being a good parent, raising an engaged and empathic child is in itself a valid contribution, it is not enough.  It is also my job to set a good example to show that it is our responsibility to get involved, our duty to contribute.

The simple, honest truth is that I feel unfulfilled and disappointed with my own lethargy.  Maybe all this “soul searching” is the second phase of my midlife crisis, I finally know who I am,  feel relatively comfortable in my skin no longer struggling to justify myself  – so maybe it is natural to start expecting more, wanting more.

I really feel the time has finally come to make a difference, now all I have to do is figure out what that will be.