So here I am, butt firmly planted on my couch (and yes, for anyone who was wondering – I have officially managed to get red wine stains on my beige couch, after accidentally kicking a glass of wine while wrapping presents – don’t ask).
I am only slightly procrastinating, still need to vacuume and wash the floors before family comes for traditional Norwegian Xmas celebration. I was hoping that I would receive the wife that I so desperately want when I awoke this morning in order to NOT have to actually vacuume and wash the floors.. but no.. I apparently have not been good enough or Santa hasn’t gotten around to me yet, he may put the wife in my stocking while I sleep tonight. Hope does indeed spring eternal!
So, as I was saying, here I am – FIRMLY planted on my slightly red wine stained couch(stain now hidden by numerous colored cushions), looking at the snow – first Xmas in years where we have had lots of snow, it is beautiful and peaceful, my adorable, angelic son (I use these words now, because I am sure that after all the sugar and excitement he may at some point turn into the spawn of the devil) is out sledding with his Dad, perfect weather for it – just the right type of snow.
What I really am attempting with this rambling, incoherent yet not inebrieated post, is to tell you all how much you all mean to me.
2009 has had its moments good and bad, probably careerwise one of the most difficult ever, leaving a job that I loved, staff I handpicked and adored – although I am glad to have moved on, it was time – it was painful and difficult nonetheless. I got to be in the luxurious, yet difficult position of having to choose among many job offers, which was an amazing experience.
I have struggled this year with the loss of my sisterinlaw who died after Xmas last year, she has been on my mind alot, and I miss her terribly. Tonight will be bittersweet.
It has also been a year where I have struggled with a relationship that was wonderful, sweet and giving – yet could not survive. We tried.
I have had some great moments with my son this year too, we had a blast on our summer vacation with minimal devils spawnness from either of us. And watching his development after he started school, it is such a pleasure. My son can read, which is unbelievably cool, he is like a sponge for knowledge wants to know how everything works as well as being empathic and funny – I am so proud of him.
I am blessed with many good friends, whom I love, cherish and hope to get to spend more time with in 2010, thanks to you, I got through this tough year – thank you for your wisdom, input, love and tolerance.
I have made many new friends this year, who have brought fun, knowledge and a sense of belonging – thank you!
I am lucky enough to get to meet new exciting men (you know who you are! ), and while I hate dating, I love meeting new people. It will be a kick to see what happens this Xmas vacation and New Years – all I can say is – WHOHOOOO BRING IT ON!
I am to no ends grateful for my family, all wonderful, wierd branches of it – without you I don’t know what I’d do. I love you all more than I could ever explain. Mom, thank you for taking me to see Eddie Izzard on your birthday! It was a blast!! You more than anyone are always there with good advice, lots of love, playfulness and of course a mothers pride. Thank you Mom.
So to each and everyone of you, whether you be a Facebook, Twitter, RL, or virtual friend – I thank you, I love you and I cannot wait to see what the coming year brings!
Have a very merry Hannukakwanzasulsticemas!
I have been thinking about what “family” means for me. Being a child of divorce I have one of those untraditional families, different.
A Dad and a Mom, step-Dad, half sibling, step-siblings, their partners, their kids, their siblings even their parents…an ex-husband, his siblings, our son… Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents..Not to mention all of the extra parents I have been fortunate to have over the years.
In a sense I have a relatively large family and there certainly is no lack of love. For the most part I feel like just one of the cogs in our family machine. For more than half my life I have had this wonderful extended family, I trust them with my life, my secrets and even my son.
But, and there is a but, my feeling of belonging and equality sometimes suprisingly feels built on sand, situations arise that shake my faith and make me question my place. Blindsiding me completely!
I promised myself that if I ever had children I would never get divorced, I would make sure that my children had the stable life that I never had… famous last words.
I wonder how this wierd and wonderful family effects my son, how does he navigate through this world of loose yet close connections. Does he feel like part of the family? An equal to the other children? Or does he, like sometimes I feel that he is on the periphery of the family, belonging – but not quite.
He, like me is alone with his parents, I share my father with a half brother, but am alone with my mother, I am all she has to take care of her when she gets old and cantankerous. I have no siblings to lean on or to commiserate with. And my son too will share this experience, odds are I will have no more children and though he will most likely have step-siblings, he may not have anyone to share the joys and burdens of his mother (I plan on being a particularly obnoxious old lady, pretending to be deaf and hitting all and sundry with my cane as well as telling long and pointless stories).
When it comes down to it maybe true family is the collection of people we surround ourselves with that will be there for us regardless of blood/marriage for me that includes those few people on the planet who can make me laugh til I hiccup in, snort, cry and burp out (yes, a sight to behold, and only about 4 people on the planet who can make that happen), those who would drop everything to help in a crisis, those who love us, just for us.
So I guess I will continue to extend my family, for there is always enough love and my son will need some serious help caring for his Mom.
It is my week with my son and we are having such a good time together, Iam filled with so much pride and love, I just cannot contain it!!
Yesterday, he did his homework at the kitchen counter while I made dinner, we talked and laughed, he set the table, ate well, cleared the table with pride and laughter it was so nice.
It is such a pleasure to watch him grow and find himself, he has recently learned to read and is stopping to read everything he sees..Yesterday at the store he said “wait a minute Mom, I just want to sound this out E-X-T-R-A-P-O-W-E-R and Mom can we read it backwards?”.
He strokes my cheek, looks me straight in the eyes and says “I love you Mom”, and instantly the world rights itself and I am overwhelmed with gratitude and love.
We all have our ups and downs from pure joy to deep dark despair. In the worst times it is important to remember we have had all of these feelings before. Because no matter how cliché, life is never smooth sailing, there will always be something that challenges, enrages, depresses or is joyous and even on occasion is just “meh”.
Heartbreak is no exception, the pain unbearable, inconsolable and we despair. And luckily as a grown ups we have survived heartbreak on occasion, we know it will pass, that given time it will go from sharp stabbing to dull ache and ultimately we will move on. But, in the moment even with that knowledge we despair.
There is no quick fix, no easy road to take, we must accept the pain, acknowledge it, work through it – try and remember that it does not define who we are as human beings, try and not let it taint every aspect of our lives.
I know this too shall pass – but really wish I could find that silver lining.