I’m going to miss you mom, he said to me before his week with his dad. I know baby, I’ll miss you too.
When you miss me baby just close your eyes, and feel me lying right there next to you, arms around you, kissing the top of your head, you feel the squishy warmness of your soft mommy and feel all the love flowing from me into you. Like a bubble of warm, soft, squishy love. No matter where you are or how far away I am, all you have to do is close your eyes and feel that bubble, and know your mommy is right there with you, filled with love for you.
I love you baby boy.
Tell me; is there conflict between wishing someone well and wanting the same for oneself?
Because, I do really want the best for those I love, and I wish with all my heart that they find whatever they are looking for. But it is hard to sit on the sidelines watching their happiness take form, wishing for what they have, wanting the same for me.
My desires do not detract from their happiness, I do not wish them undone, I do not want what I had. That ship has much to my relief sailed but I yearn for their shared experience. It jolts me back to that primal experience of new love, the feel, texture and scent of it. I remember that, I can feel it in my bones.
All the insecurities, loneliness, desire go unanswered. I wait, albeit impatiently, wondering about the choices I’ve made. Wondering whether my mistake was to want too little or too much and whether I was unwilling to do the work entailed.
But no, in my heart of hearts I know the decisions were the right ones, both historical and recent. But now, with the doors firmly closed around me, loneliness looms and I am frightened.
I know I have to trust that I will find my way, that when I least expect it, it will turn up, but – oh – it is so boring to wait and there is the very real fear of never finding it again.
What happened to Mr. Right for right now? He seems to be AWOL. Well maybe not AWOL maybe NATBW (Never Arrived To Begin With). Maybe he took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and is now stranded on a desert island pining for his Jessica. Yeah, that must be it. Well don’t you worry Mr. Right for right now, I am saddling up the trusty steed and coming to rescue you from your horrible Jessicaless fate.
If on the other hand, you are nearby, now would be a good time to make an appearance.
