Jessica Hildrum

The stinky box of doom

I had the best cat in the world; Fuzzy was her name she got the name because when she was born she had a little fuzzy Mohawk.  She was the best cat EVER, and in the 10 years I had her, she never once had an accident of the bathroom kind.  She managed to go from being an outdoor to indoor to outdoor cat without any fuss.  And she loved me as much as I loved her.  She never liked my pregnant belly and when Kev was born she pretty much steered clear of him.  As Kev got older and started chasing her around (sometimes with stick in hand), she would patiently keep out of reach and grab whatever cuddles she could from me at Kevs naptime and bedtime.

When I left my ex-husband and moved out of our house, she took off and disappeared . We never found her.

I miss her.

So after a while Kev and I decided to get a new cat and chose a kitten, Kev named him Zorro and as cute as he was, he just wasn’t the cat for us, he couldn’t take being indoors and would climb the walls (no foolin’), we’re talking straight up concrete painted walls, no wallpaper no nothin’.  We managed to get him a new home where he could romp around outside.

A couple years have passed and we still miss having a cat, so we went to the local shelter and Pernille the Cat chose Kevin as her very own person.    She is a great cat! About 3 years old all black with piercing yellow eyes.

At the moment, she is going a bit insane, she has rediscovered her catnip filled mouse and is going to town on it (fortunately not like Truls the dog would).  Pernille, does however, occasionally stop mid pounce to stare at me with her yellow eyes, a kind of quasi-evil look, as if to say “you’re next” “just close your eyes”.  She’s also getting a bit chubby, we’ve been keeping her inside and I think she spends most of her day eating.  She’ll sniff her food, try and scrape the refrigerator over it, then chomp away.  This morning (at 5am) she wanted a cuddle and lay down on my chest, she’s no feather weight anymore so I tried to casually move her so I could breathe, she got a bit insulted and decided to attack my headboard.  My headboard is wood, indeed my whole bed (except for the mattresses) is pine, and apparently the bed mocks her punctually every morning  at 03 and again at 05 am, and being the mistress of the house she must teach that bed a lesson, so scrape scrape scrape scratch scratch scratch and pounce pounce.

I’m telling you, we must find a way to let her out or she’ll end up being a fat (possibly flatulent) quasi-evil, bed attacking, door scratching, head pouncing, stinky box of doom filling, annoying kitty.

Truls the dog

When I was about 19 my boyfriend and I cared for the family dog for a little while, he was a truly disgusting dog.  He was a King Charles spaniel, very good tempered, very sweet but with some serious sexual issues.  Truls would hump anything, anytime, anywhere including (I kid you not) his own paws.  You would be watching a movie, your arm would dangle from the side of the chair or couch and voila Hump-O-Rama!  Or you would be lying on the couch minding your own business and Truls would discover a pillow on said couch and yes, once again Hump-O-Rama.

The funniest episode that I remember was a date that I had, this is a couple of years on and the boyfriend and I were splitsville but I shared the apartment with his sister (my best friend, I was lucky enough to get her through that relationship) and it was “her” dog, you know family dog but she took him on ANYWAY.. I had a dinner date with a really cute guy; we had just eaten and were talking, when Truls suddenly discovers his teddy bear.  Obviously he hasn’t seen his teddy bear in some time and is delighted and stimulated to renew his acquaintance.  Truls gets in on with the bear, and I mean he goes at it – meanwhile my date and I are looking on with shock and I must admit amusement (well, on my part).  So, Truls is just mauling the bear and all of a sudden the bear POPS with an actual popping sound and bear stuffing is just flying everywhere, at this point I am practically wetting myself laughing so hard and of course I start to hiccup, cry and burp – and Truls KEEPS GOING! He’s humping bear stuffing!

So here I am in a puddle of laughter, hiccups, burps and tears and my date is NOT amused.

Obviously there was no third date, but I will forever remember the sound of that Teddy bear a-poppin’ and Truls running after the stuffing humping it.