Longing
Tell me; is there conflict between wishing someone well and wanting the same for oneself?
Because, I do really want the best for those I love, and I wish with all my heart that they find whatever they are looking for. But it is hard to sit on the sidelines watching their happiness take form, wishing for what they have, wanting the same for me.
My desires do not detract from their happiness, I do not wish them undone, I do not want what I had. That ship has much to my relief sailed but I yearn for their shared experience. It jolts me back to that primal experience of new love, the feel, texture and scent of it. I remember that, I can feel it in my bones.
All the insecurities, loneliness, desire go unanswered. I wait, albeit impatiently, wondering about the choices I’ve made. Wondering whether my mistake was to want too little or too much and whether I was unwilling to do the work entailed.
But no, in my heart of hearts I know the decisions were the right ones, both historical and recent. But now, with the doors firmly closed around me, loneliness looms and I am frightened.
I know I have to trust that I will find my way, that when I least expect it, it will turn up, but – oh – it is so boring to wait and there is the very real fear of never finding it again.
