Jessica Hildrum

My teeth are yellow

When I was in my early twenties, right before I met my ex husband, I was single and pissed about it. I was 24 and completely convinced that I would end my days childless, alone with gazillions of cats. I was not only convinced but had reconciled with that fact, just not gracefully.

I remember my Mom tried to cheer me up by sending me valentines cards in the mail. The one I remember best went something like this:

Roses are red
My teeth are yellow
By this time next year
You’ll have a new fellow

I bet I still have those cards tucked away in a box.

I remember laughing out loud when they came in the mail, my Mom one of the coolest, funniest and silliest people I know. You’d think I inhereted my silliness from her, and Hell yes she gives me a run for my money!

But I have a father who can put us both to shame.. I suffer from that genetic double whammy of silliness..my poor son doomed to a life surrounded by loons.

Eyes of love and compassion

I was having a conversation with my mom, talking about rejection. She said something I felt was very profound. She asked me if I look at myself with the same eyes that i Iook at my son.

I see my son through eyes of love, compassion, I see his beauty inside and out, I see his gooey sweetness, intelligence, his playfulness and I see and value his vulnerability.

Do I look at myself with those eyes? Appreciating that gooey sweetness?
No, I do not, I look at myself expecting a perfection that can never be achieved, rewarding only my successes, loving parts of myself while despising others.

I try and teach my son to love himself, to understand that he will only ever be himself and that he needs to embrace and cherish all of who he is.

But I seem to be modelling something different, I fear that I model conditional love, by somehow allowing my self loathing to leak out.

It is enough, I too am the only me I will ever have and loving myself unconditionally must be the basis for how I live my life.

I am fine as I am, beautiful inside and out, I like being me, I enjoy my humor, persistance and ability to love others.

Let this year be the year of learning. Let me learn how to truly live in the moment, loving myself unconditionally, allowing and embracing my humanity, fragility and flaws.

My most important endevour is to set a good example for my son, equipping him with all he needs to lead a good life, be kind, loving and compassionate also with himself.

I will not allow man, woman, job, successes nor failures to define me.