Jessica Hildrum

Sometimes beauty really distracts!

I had a great day at work today, several exciting meetings with customers and partners, but man – oh – man sometimes beauty can really be distracting!

Gorgeousness walked into one of the meetings today, I totally couldn’t concentrate.  I tried to act cool, calm and collected but I have a feeling I may have looked and acted like a retarded inbred hillbilly.

I think I may have stuttered and yes, even drooled at one point.  “Idiot” – Jessica be thy name.

Of course as everything in life, gorgeousness is not available and even if he were, I do have a pretty strict policy of not mixing business with pleasure or simply put “I do not shit where I eat”.

But still it was a nice treat, not every day one gets to stare beauty in the face and act like a retard.

There is such a thing as too much Underdog

After watching Underdog (the movie) with Kevin for the 7^th time 5 times in English and twice in Norwegian, I am about ready to do some serious hurt to that dog.

The movie is great, the first four times, but now I feel my head may explode or implode or simply combust.

I tell you this, the movie is better in English, hard to watch Jim Belushi speak out of sync with a stupid Norgie accent.

Kevin sits watching the movie with near the same focus as the first time, granted he now alternates between licking his knee, smacking his feet together, making a high pitched PIONNNGGG noises and jumping on me but still amazing concentration for a near 7 yearold.

Do not know where Kev gets his silly gene, certainly not from me, as I am renowned for my seriousness, my uptightitudeness as well as my prudishness.

Are men really that shallow?

Disclaimer:

Before I start my rant, know that it is a rant, and I am not generalizing all men, I do not believe that all men are shallow, sex fixated bone headed assholes.

Actually I don’t even believe that most men are shallow, sex fixated bone headed assholes.

In all honesty I am probably more  of a shallow sex fixated bone headed asshole than a lot of men I know. (I am enjoying writing that sentence, just in case you didn’t notice)

Now on to my glorious rant… deep breath and… exhale

Amazing how a picture showing a bit of cleavage can muster amazing response from the most unlikely of candidates. Guys that I would certainly rate as out of my league suddenly find interest where none was before as well as guys who are most likely a tad young for me.

Suffice it to say, I can understand that a pair of Hindenburg’s can indeed make most men (and even a few women) choke on their coffee, but dudes (and chicks) I am still the same old me, ever politically incorrect, totally ambitious and lazy.

If I go to bed with my hair wet I wake up looking like medusa with a really bad perm, and not to mention that all that fucking exercise and diet apart I am STILL chubby (this is an entirely different rant which I am slowly working myself into a major frenzied lather over).

But I figure – fuck it – go with the flow, you find me interesting all of a sudden, cool… lets see where it takes us, but be aware I am not fooled not for a single moment, fell for my eyes did you.. Yeah and I fell for your deep insight into the fragile human condition.

One thing is for damned sure, the attention is fantastic! Keep it coming boys.

Cannot sleep – big suprise!

Lying in bed waiting for the sleeping pill to take effect, going to have to make an appointment to get more, funny enough all the exercise has not really helped me sleep any better.

I remember when I stopped sleeping, my mom had just told me that her cancer diagnosis was worse than we thought, I hadn’t really believed her and had probably even made her feel bad when she first told us. I thought she was being overly sensitive, but she wasn’t. I remember sitting on the couch holding my knees crying, scared and feeling guilty for not believing her.

It was scary, all I really had growing up was her, my only home my safety net. And while I resent to some extent growing up as an “army brat of love” moving when she fell in love, I know she did her best.

Regardless, for me, the kid, I moved around, new schools, new friends, new countries and new languages – it was tough and lonely. Always the outsider, always alone.

But the thought of losing my mom scares me more than I care to admit even to myself. I love my mom and like her but our relationship can be too close, erasing me, making me loose sight of myself.

So I guess I just stopped sleeping, probably at some level believing that if I just don’t sleep nothing bad can happen.

I went from being one of those people who could sleep anywhere at any time, to relying on sleeping pills to get me to sleep.

And now mom is ok, all signs are good. I still have trouble.

So I take the sleeping pills waiting for that sweet numbness, to carry me away.

Hoping that maybe soon I’ll allow myself to relax enough to sleep.

(I must point out that mom has been married for 26 years now to my amazing Norgie stepdad).

Play with fire – you get burned

Whether is is the ego or the heart, either way getting burned sucks!

*Crackle crackle crackle*, fingers totally burned to a crisp, I played with fire and OH BOY did I get burned. I knew I would, I said so, I was completely aware of the deal, no harm no foul – funny how that knowledge does fuck all for the outrage of an ego burn.

But luckily I have been around the block a couple of times and know that in a day or so.. I’ll be my old self again.  Fit to fight another battle.

Maybe next time, when I am transfixed by that fire, I will be fueled by this moment and be able to tear myself away; and run, arms flailing, screaming as fast as my legs can carry me.

Never again, never again – well, at least not right away