Cannot sleep – big suprise!
Lying in bed waiting for the sleeping pill to take effect, going to have to make an appointment to get more, funny enough all the exercise has not really helped me sleep any better.
I remember when I stopped sleeping, my mom had just told me that her cancer diagnosis was worse than we thought, I hadn’t really believed her and had probably even made her feel bad when she first told us. I thought she was being overly sensitive, but she wasn’t. I remember sitting on the couch holding my knees crying, scared and feeling guilty for not believing her.
It was scary, all I really had growing up was her, my only home my safety net. And while I resent to some extent growing up as an “army brat of love” moving when she fell in love, I know she did her best.
Regardless, for me, the kid, I moved around, new schools, new friends, new countries and new languages – it was tough and lonely. Always the outsider, always alone.
But the thought of losing my mom scares me more than I care to admit even to myself. I love my mom and like her but our relationship can be too close, erasing me, making me loose sight of myself.
So I guess I just stopped sleeping, probably at some level believing that if I just don’t sleep nothing bad can happen.
I went from being one of those people who could sleep anywhere at any time, to relying on sleeping pills to get me to sleep.
And now mom is ok, all signs are good. I still have trouble.
So I take the sleeping pills waiting for that sweet numbness, to carry me away.
Hoping that maybe soon I’ll allow myself to relax enough to sleep.
(I must point out that mom has been married for 26 years now to my amazing Norgie stepdad).
