Jessica Hildrum

Midlife crisis – not quite what I imagined

I know this sounds stupid but, there is a bizarre and surreal feel to midlife crisis, not at all as I expected.  Yeah, I know it is foolish to be suprised that a midlife crisis would feel anything but bizarre, and yet…

I always envisioned speeding along in a Ferrari with a hot young Adonis looking adoringly at me, my hair blowing perfectly away from my face framing it perfectly, I appear taller, slimmer .. more supermodelish less chubby Mediterranean housewife.  The scene is reminicent of Daphne du Maurier’s Rebecca, she is driving her convertible on the winding roads of Monaco at mindboggling speed laughing loudly, wildly, challenging the world all beauty and fire.

Here I am in full-blown midlife crisis, and my Adonis is no where to be seen not to mention the Ferrari – and yes I am indeed still (all that hard work at the gym and diet aside) more chubby Mediterranean housewife than supermodel.

And yet – I feel better about myself at nearly 40 than I have ever felt.  I feel beautiful, powerful and intelligent and truth be told I do look better now than ever before – chubbiness and all!  And the best part is I am enjoying being me – ok, at least some of the time.  But what I am completely enjoying is taking on new challenges and risks doing things I never in a gazillion years thought I would do.

I am glad that to be on the Cougar path, not necessarily the ambition to sleep with younger men (although, I will have to think about that one) but the investing time, energy and love in myself, working hard to match the outside to the inside. I am learning how to take care of myself and set a better example for my son.

So while this crisis may not be as expected it is kind of good too.  I welcome it.

As said so many times before – come on life – BRING IT ON!

What else is there to do than to love the rejection?

I was at a loss for what to write, I was compelled to write, but just not feeling inspired – so I asked my tweeps and peeps for suggestions and one of them was “What else is there to do than to love the rejection”.  My immediate thought was YEAH, now that is a kick-ass concept.

I believe that rejection is actually a confirmation that whatever I have been rejected for simply is not right for me, a job I don’t get or a project I don’t get to lead or a man who isn’t in to me.  It is all confirmation – just not meant to be. But, in that moment of rejection the knowledge of it being “not right” makes it no easier to stomach.

I cannot imagine sighing; a breath of relief “aaaah, rejection… I welcome you“.  But, you know what? That might be just the way to deal with it! Whooping it up with a “whohoo! Thanks rejection, you just saved me from a hideous mistake”. Maybe doing a little gratitude to the rejection Gods dance and sacrificing a maiden or two on the pyre of rejection.

So really what else is there to do but LOVE the rejection, wallow in it, take a bath in it ‘til you get all pruney, take it out for a fancy dinner and a lay.  Yeah, love that  rejection, remember if it doesn’t want you, you SURE as hell don’t want it!

I am a Geek groupie!

What can I say I love geeks, there is just something about them, their sense of humor, their cute innocence, their unparalleled intelligence and in Norway – believe it or not – they are seriously cute too!  I want to also point out that I am always amazed at the amount of hot developers there are at every conference I have attended all over the world!  So not just in Norway, but Norwegians – being Vikings – got it goin’ ON!

I have just spent the weekend skiing with 13 male geeks and 1 female geek, you would think that that could be kinda dangerous, you know everyone gets squiffy and strange things are afoot in the Jacuzzi…

But no, no chance, they discussed geeky things (being a wannabe I could only understand the periphery of what the hell they were talking about), drank inhuman amounts of alcohol, skied like Gods (Geeky Gods) and spent time discussing at what temperature water boils in the mountains in order to figure out how long to boil the eggs (there were SEVEN of them discussing this over an empty pot), I said “Dudes for F**Ks sake at least fill the pot with water and discuss it!! – MULTITASK!!”

It has been a great weekend, I was challenged to Snowboard, and as it is sports year I said yes, it took like 2,5 hours to get down the mountain, but there are no limits to how proud I am, towards the end my body actually figured it out – AND I WAS SNOWBOARDING without falling and actually being able to steer right and left and even stop!! WHOHOOO! Mind you this was an excruciating experience, I fell and fell and fell, hurting my ass, elbows and pride in equal measure and am indescribably sore.  I am sore in places I didn’t know existed and am actually sore in about a foots circumference around my body, I feel like I have a bubble of pain around my whole body – wow, is that my gizzard, I didn’t know I had one but duuude it hurts! And if this is day one, WTF will day two be like.

I am definitely going to go snowboarding again (actually in a couple weeks at our kick-off).

But my point is that these wonderful Geeks took such good care of me, holding my hand, helping me up, cheering me on, showing what I am convinced is genuine pride in my achievements.  I felt so lucky to be with these people, lucky to work with this group of talented, committed, engaged, intelligent and hilarious Geeks.

I wish there was more I could contribute to this group of people, I feel on the periphery, included (absolutely) but not quite being able to add value.

I could not imagine working in any other field; I love this environment and am so impressed with the contribution that tasty, lovely Geeks make to the world.

Now, all I have to do is find out how to contribute, so I can stay forever in the realm of Geekitude

It is time to check in my libido and grab a wimple.

I don’t think I can do this, I just haven’t got what it takes. It is time to check in my libido and grab a wimple.  That’s it I’m done, am converting to Catholicism and running, not walking, jogging, nor sprinting but full on gallop to the nearest convent, where I intend to live as a nun.  And not one of those progressive “we play around with each other and the unicorn looking goat and/or candelabra either” but the; we don’t do anything to anything on pain of continuous flagellation nuns.

I know it was short and sweet, but I am not cut out for it – so I’ll simply bow out gracefully and pretend that I have always been walking the path of enlightenment.

That is, unless… maybe, that cute guy, you know the one who works at that place you know down the street, we saw him at that thing a while back.  You think he’d wanna go out? Maybe get a cup of coffe? I could put off the nunnery for a couple days, maybe.

I love that you care but cheer me on don’t tell me to take it easy

Here I am really putting heart and ass (and I mean the latter literally) into this getting in shape project and most of the feedback I’m getting is to take it easy, it seems that most people are  concerned that I’ll get bored and burn out (or injure myself).  This is the whole reason for the short iterations people!  I will only plan 7 days ahead, no more.  7 days is doable, I know that at the end of those 7 days I can stop entirely or modify – I inspect and adapt – all the while keeping the overarching vision in focus.

Yes, I am indeed using an Agile approach to get into “Cougar” shape.

Now for those who really know me, you know that I tend to get a little flaky, particularly where exercise is concerned, because – well, I hate it.  So another reason that the working out every day thing works is that there is never an excuse for not doing it.  Remember, given the chance to flake out I’ll probably take the flake out for a five course meal and then home for a romp or two in the hay. Therefore it is a good idea to give myself no alternatives.

So how do I make sure that I do not get bored or injured?

1. I do not exercise to the extreme every day; I take harder/demanding classes only a couple times a week.
2. I use knee bandages to protect my crappy knees and do not push myself to do anything that hurts – in the wrong way that is (all exercise is after all painful if not to the body then to the very soul – soul I tell you).
3. I try different kinds of stuff to make it more interesting, asking myself, what I hate the least.  So far, the elliptical machine with some really good music does just fine for me, and given I can find a solution to the strangulation by boobie thing, the Yoga wasn’t too bad either.

This is my sports year, so I am sure that some interesting sports alternatives will also be working their way into my regime, this coming weekend I am going on a ski trip with work (3 year olds ski better than I do, so my poor colleagues do not know what they are in for – MUAHAHAHA).

And we must not forget that the increased heart rate, sweaty palms and slight (to moderate) nausea that dating induces is also helpful to the general weight loss.  What is not helpful, however, is the killer death-breath accompanying not eating or drinking enough (due to the dating induced increased heart rate etc.) which ultimately may lead to interesting prospects fleeing at faster than Cougar speed in the opposite direction!  This thought of course is an excellent incentive to stay hydrated and properly fed.

So I ask that you not worry about me, although I am, glad that you do.  But that said, I would much rather have a cheering section, help me reach my “Cougar” goal, don’t let me get back into butt fusing into the couch mode.  Remind me that I too can do it!

Thanks Alistair – you really helped me my by reminding me and cheering me on when I was about ready to let my butt fuse to my oh so comfy couch!

And come on guys and gals, invite me to your sports stuff, I promise to say yes and will try and not embarrass you too much.