It turns out Michael Jackson was a short, curvy, brunette
I am on this nett dating site, and did something seriously stupid today. I checked out the pictures of the other women, this was a stupid, demotivating, destructive, boneheaded move. As if I wasn’t already feeling about as attractive as a partially salted slug – you can guess how I felt when hit by a wave of beautiful Nordic blonds.
After sighing deeply (ok, hyperventilating into a paper-bag) and contemplating – once again – a nunnery, I thought maybe I could make some changes to fit in.
Starting with hair; I suppose I could bleach my hair but I have an olive complexion, which doesn’t really look great with blond. I would probably look more like an alien (a grey) with a bad doo, than a Nordic beauty.
I am short, so I could try and have bone lengthening done, but besides being excrutiatingly painful (and hey, what woman doesn’t suffer for beauty), it would take a couple of years.
I have curves which contrary to popular belief is not a great thing, unless directly in proportion to a barbie doll so some serious liposuction is called for, not to mention the gym 27 times a day and for the sake of all that is holy let us not forget reducing my diet to one saltine a day with a side of cellery foam.
I would probably also need rhinoplasty (mainly because it is fun to say – can you say it and not conjure up images of a rhino with band-aids?)
So lets sum up:
In order to transform the short, curvy, olive skinned brunette to perfect – life is easy – always gets the guy – nordic beauty:
- Bleach hair
- Rhinoplasty
- Bone extension surgery
- Bleach skin to get rid of olive complexion
- Liposuction
- Gym 27 times a day
- Diet = 1 saltine & Cellery foam
OMG – IT IS NONE OTHER THAN MICHAEL JACKSON!!!
Duuude, good thing I figured this out before I got started on my venture to be “perfect – life is easy – always gets the guy – Nordic beauty”. I guess I’ll settle for being short, curvy, brunette with an olive complexion, I certainly do not want to end up as “ghostly white – nose falling off face – wierdo”.
As I see it there is bound to be one or maybe even two guys out there who can appreciate my particular brand of beauty.
The world would be incredibly boring if everyone looked the same! And very many Norwegian women look the same (I have a hard time telling them apart sometimes!).
You:
1. Your hair is gorgeous, especially when you leave it naturally curly.
2. Your nose is cute and looks good with the rest of your face.
4. Being short is often an asset in the dating game, I would imagine, as most men prefer to date someone shorter than them–this really widens your market!
Plus small women seem more…maneuverable.
5. Your skin is gorgeous! It somplements the rest of your coloring. Pale skin is really boring and shows imperfections all-too-well.
6. Men prefer your kind of curvy to slimness, this is shown time and time again. You’re not “curvy”-as-in-fat, and you’ve been gifted with some amazing assets that you show off well.
Christ, woman, look at where you are in life–with all the smart, fun, creative, and single IT guys you’re constantly surrounded by, you should feel like a kid in a candy store! I’m glad I don’t have to envy you.